The water at Marah was bitter. The Israelites were brought out of slavery in Egypt, through the Red Sea, and now were in the Desert of Shur. Three days in the desert without water. They come to Marah, and water - Hallelujah! They taste it, and it's bitter. Oh man.
That's how I felt this morning. I woke up crying. I was so so tired. Dad had a pacemaker put in yesterday. I have been taking care of me, while taking care of him. I have been leaving him for an hour at lunch, getting out and walking around the lake at the hospital. I have been getting out for dinner, or like last night, staying through dinner leaving at 8 PM. Always back beside him in the mornings early, say 7:30, to be there when the various doctors come. You know caring for an elderly parent, who can't think straight. Not incompetent, just straddling the fence. It is exhausting. Helping them walk to the bathroom. Feeding them sometimes. Making sure they drink water, take their meds, making medical decisions for them.
But this blog is about me.
I woke up, with the heaviness of his sadness covering me. I want to go to Sun Valley for vacation tomorrow, but I know I can't leave Dad until he is stable. I want to feel good, to not ache in my shoulders and hips. I want to loose weight and gain hair (on my head). I want Dad to be healthy. The fragility of his health reminds me of the fragility of mine. I am scared I have cancer in me still. My left breast is still swollen and red. The right one, well, I did a self exam and I felt a little torpedo. Am I just obsessing? I have a mammogram scheduled for three weeks, the first one since last April. Am I healthy? Am I doing everything the way I should? Life is so tough. Oh, the doubts. (Get that one out of my brain right away!) They roar like lions in the still hours of the night.
And you are so isolated from your friends and everyday life going through the hospital watch. Dear ones call and bring soup and text. I am an only child, Mom died 10 years ago. So there are no siblings or spouses. My friends are still there. I just need to wait. There's a season to be with them, just not now.
I drove to the hospital thinking, I need an attitude improvement. Dad was stable, sleeping. He's not shaken the sedation from the pacemaker surgery. Can't process verbal instructions. As he was okay, I went off to the radiation oncologist in the same hospital. AHA, glad I did. I had a fever of 101.4. The nurse asked me if I felt alright. How does anyone feel after nine days of an elderly father in the hospital for his heart? I have an infection in my breast. Wow. No wonder I felt horrible.
When my kids were little, you could always tell if one of them was coming down with a cold or ear infection. They would be really really grouchy before the physical symptoms were developed enough to notice. That happened here I think. I was really grouchy. The breast infection made it so I just couldn't keep the thoughts positive anymore. Knowing this, it is so much easier to be positive now.
Came back to the room, read the bitter water at Marah story. Double WOW, that is me. I felt like I came out of Egypt just to get led to bitter water. But, if you continue on, the water gets sweeten by Moses touching it with a tree, and then they go on to a place with12 springs and 70 palms.
So, I am out of Egypt. I tasted the bitter water. The next thing I will see is the springs and the palms. YEAH! I will wait.
The day of the heart cath, I came upon a good verse for Dad.
Exodus 14:14- The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.
He hasn't stopped loving me, He knows the end of the story, and it's a good ending.
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