For my Orlando.

For my Orlando

In the midst. 

Disbelief. 

Squint my eyes, cock my head. Am I hearing correctly?

Belly sinks, leaden by weights.

Metallic tastes.

Ripples of silent nausea rising.

Just ripples. Silently rising.

The brain snaps on.

Call my kids. 

Call my husband. 

Connect with my tribe. 

Turn off the television. 

What has happened, has happened. 

Honor the darkness no longer. 

Cover Orlando with a quilt of gentleness. 

Of comfort. 

Of compassion.  

Cast out a net of softness over our community. 

May every man and woman of Orlando see hope. 

Even if only as a pinpoint of light just beginning.

As a morning sunrise first appears over water. 

Thank you for the goodness that I know will prevail. 

Thank you.

I will take care of you

"I will take care of you."

That's what He said as I was driving, tears in my eyes, to get a PET scan.
To find out of there were any tumors.
Anywhere.
Anywhere in my body.
In the darkness. Hiding.

"I will carry you."

That's what He told me as I was stopped at the light, head bending left, pressed against the window.
Knowing this could be the innocence-of-before moment.
I don't want to do this.
I want to stop the clock, hit reset.
Back to when my biggest worry was what dress to wear, what movie to go to.
I don't want to do this.

I could just keep driving.
Or drive slower.

But is He really here?
Is there a God?

"I am with you always. Even when you don't know."

Fair enough.

It's not about me.
This. This whole drama.
These other cars, that office building, this bridge.

I ask that there be no tumors.
Is that fair?

How about this.
I ask there are no tumors.
But if there are, You are already healing them.
They are teeny-tiny and You are already on the job.

Stay in the positive.
Keep the thoughts positive.
Pink peonies and cascading orchids and gentle breezes.

Okay. Trust. Lean into Him.
Trust.
I am the sheep. He is the shepherd.
Be still, and know that He is God.
Be still.

Turning left, into the valet parking circle.
One step at a time.
One foot in front of the other.
Then repeat..

Here we go.