Then Dad fell, was in hospital. You know that. He's in skilled nursing now, has been back in the ER twice with catheter not working. I was back in health crisis mode, with my father this time. Just gave myself over to it, amazed how much he needs me. He has vascular dementia, is confused and is so tired himself he looks to me to make decisions, to lead the way. I am the parent, he is the child. This is just the way it is. Trying to let him keep his dignity. Wanting to smooth the way for him, but letting him make some choices. I have wiped his behind, held his hand while they attempted to insert catheter in the ER, told nurses his bag was full, helped him up in bed, fed him food, read him verses, sang the Ode to Joy with him, slept in a chair next to him. I know what his meds are by heart, even the doses. I know when he gets his showers, how to take the foot rest off his wheelchair. These are all things I didn't need to learn for me, but I want to know for him.
The people that work with our older folks are fantastic. They are surrounded by lack of hope, sadness of what was and isn't now. The past year, as I went through healing, I knew I would get back to where I was, or even better than I was. With Dad, with anyone his age (79), it is a slow slide downward. Every fall is one notch closer to the hole. Each time you slide down, it is harder and harder to climb back up. And you don't necessarily get back to where you were. I don't think Dad will. He was in independent living a month ago before he fell. Back there is our goal,, but realistically, I hope hope hope he can get up to assisted living (out of skilled nursing.)
I was in the physical therapy studio Friday with Dad. Six days a week, six patients, two trainers, ninety minutes. It is social hour. Every one is doing their biking or arm lifting or leg lifts. One woman, tiny, white hair, frail, was crying. She just couldn't do anymore of anything. She was tired. She was sobbing. I didn't want to stare at her, but it was as if my heart could hear her heart. It was just too hard and she didn't have the strength to push and push and build back up. She was too far down that slippery slope. She just couldn't get back up.
We have wonderful medical resources to keep us going. But they don't keep all parts going at the same level. Dad has a pacemaker, which is great that his heart won't stop now. A little electric spark will zap it to get going, keep beating, when it stops. He wants to be able to stand up and walk. He wants to go pee by himself. He wants to shower by himself. He wants to hop in a car, decide to eat fried Ipswich clams and onion rings for dinner tonight. Never again.
Our older folks are truly forgotten. Why do we do this?
At lunch a few days ago, I was showing Dad photos on my phone of the bright flowers and trees blooming now in Orlando. So I also showed the gentleman sitting at the table the photos. He lives in skilled nursing, has been there for four years. Wheelchair bound, something wrong with his hands. Strokes have hindered his speech. He was seventeen when he signed up for the Marines. That was 1942. After training, he was sent to France. He also fought in Korea. You know what I will say. This guy was willing to give his life for me. And here he is, eating three meals a day, in silence, in skilled nursing. Waiting.
After seeing the woman in physical therapy sobbing, and after seeing Dad struggle to stand up from seated (which he can do now - YEAH!) I thought, it is time I get out of healing mode and move into the victory lap. So Saturday I went over to Interlachen CC, hit tennis balls against the ball machine. OH MY, you know you are on your toes a lot in tennis. And you sidestep too. I was pretty pitiful, but I did it. Then Sunday, thirty solid minutes on the elliptical. Yep, I did it. Monday yoga. Tuesday mall walking. And healthy eating from Friday on. Mostly organic. Tons of vegetables and fruits, nuts and lean protein, yogurt and cereals. Keep fruit cut up in the refrigerator. Whole Foods Green Machine fresh juice (spirulina, spinach, apples, wheat grass.) Water, water, water. Got to get weight off and muscles built up. Now is the time. Too many clothes in my closet don't fit, I refuse to buy anything bigger.
The photo - Mike with his Green Red Velvet Cake (his birthday is St. Patrick's Day). Corey came over after softball. Such a joy to see him in a good place. Returning to computer science. Who would have guessed? The path in life is not linear. Nor should it be, as we would all miss out on so much!
As for my medical status, the left breast (the one that's been busy this past year) is swollen, red, tender. Still. So I went to the radiologist, got two weeks of antibiotic. That ended a week ago, no improvement. Going to surgeon tomorrow if Dad's urologist appointment is finished in time. If not, then I must wait until Monday (surgeon is on vacation, she's coming in Wednesday for emergencies.) Left arm is currently swollen a bit. This happens on and off. Hair is growing in, about an inch long. I think it's curlier than before, more gray, less red. It's a mousy brown.
Arimidex is daily. Estrogen - zapping pill. I am so much less sore. Now it is just shoulders and hips. A few of the stitches underneath the port and basal cell scars haven't dissolved yet.
Day by day. Trust God day by day. He wants to live in each moment with me. He has tomorrow all figured out. Trust that He does. He is there already, why have fear? Such freedom living this way.
I am with you always... Matthew 28
I got angry at God the second day in Sun Valley. OH, I haven't told you about that yet have I? I DID fly out to Sun Valley, five days after Mike and Corey. My flight was diverted from Sun Valley to Twin Falls, due to snow. I didn't worry. I was so exhausted, but figured I would get to Sun Valley at some point, whether I got upset about the diversion and late night travel, or not. The second night out there, Mike's Dad's hernia was painful, one of the caregivers melted down. Long story short, he needed hernia surgery. Made that decision, nurse to be at house with caregivers for three days post surgery, communicate with doctors and Mac's entourage. I walked into the shower, just furious with God that I had come out to Sun Valley and I deserved a break. Everyone else was skiing, well Mike was doing work on his father's estate in the afternoons, but it SEEMED like everyone else was just having fun. WHY COULDN"T I? The next morning, my first thought on waking up was, THANK GOD I was out there to help Mac, that the hernia was going to be taken care of. Wow, was I glad I could help.
Thoughts feed our emotions. Got to keep a check on those thoughts.
I feel so close to normal it is wonderful. Better than I have felt in over a year. Seeing a few friends. Enjoying March in Florida. Life is pretty pretty good.
No comments:
Post a Comment