December 28th is five weeks ago. All day long I kept saying to myself, You have to sit down and write. You have to get with some friends to celebrate. You should have planned something out.
Nothing ever got written, no gatherings for lunch or dinner. Nothing planned.
And so that is the way it was supposed to be. Not one big Hoop-lah party. It was a day of remembering the four days of all the family together over Christmas (which was really, really fun) and a day of drinking coffee reading The Daily newspaper on my IPAD, a day of lunch out, dinner in. Soup for dinner, yoga together afterwards. Seinfeld rerun on television. Reading the new cookbook, putting away some of the Christmas decorations.
It was the most wonderful day if you think about it. Celebrating each moment, celebrating life. It had been exactly one year since the last cancer treatment. All my MRI's, mammograms, etc have come up clear as a whistle. Fantastic! We beat it, all those little cancer cells that thought they were sitting pretty were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Zap, Bam, POW they are outta time, outta here!
I am thankful. And humble. So why not zippy-doo-dah?
First, I am tired. Recovering from the treatment takes awhile. Dad had a tough 5 1/2 months last year, which kind of delayed my recovery. Then I through myself into it, exercised too much, ate too little. Got cellulitis, then the flu, bronchitis, pink eye, shingles. I have learned, listen to my body. So I was tired December 28th, from a wonderful whirlwind of Christmas.
Second, I am so lucky. There are other women, and men, who aren't. Who aren't sitting pretty a year later. There's a part of me that is, everyday, holding a tear in my heart for them.
I rejoice. But it's different than before.
Okay, what is "rejoice" to you? To me it was being so happy you can't stop smiling. Jumping up and down happy. Opening up your arms and spinning around happy. Your mind one hundred percent full of happy. Not a shadow of hesitation.
Well I heard a targeted sermon last Sunday on Joy and Rejoice. Based on Philippians 1 (you guessed that didn't you, the JOY epistle.) His definition of "rejoice" is "when the heart gets the one thing it really really wants."
So what, dear reader, is the one thing you really really want? What is your heart's desire above all else? If you could have one wish from the genie bottle, what would it be? I challenge you to not read on until you have at least made a stab at answering that question.
For me, it is to know that God loves me so much that He will always be with me, I will never be alone, without Him and his Goodness. Forever, unending, infinity. To be certain of that. Faith is being certain of what you cannot see but which you hope for.
And what is the one thing you can say has happened to me over the past two years? I wanted to be changed. I was. I know the complete one hundred percent joy there is in being still, doing nothing. And Gaining everything. His love and power and mercy and grace. I will never be too far away so He can't reach me. I will never fall too far backwards He can't pick me up. He is in control. What have I to fear?
I hold a tear for those who suffer. Is that compassion? May I be used by God to pour His love and grace into that tear, as He is the ultimate healer.
So your joy, and my joy, will depend on what our heart's desire is. Not the size of house, the sparkle of the diamond, the rank on the team, the cleverness of the jokes. Not in the fitness of the body or the number of friends. It depends on what our true desire is, and how much that desire is filled.
If you talk to God, tell Him you are considering putting Him near the top of the list, He will work with you.
Of that I am certain.
Nothing ever got written, no gatherings for lunch or dinner. Nothing planned.
And so that is the way it was supposed to be. Not one big Hoop-lah party. It was a day of remembering the four days of all the family together over Christmas (which was really, really fun) and a day of drinking coffee reading The Daily newspaper on my IPAD, a day of lunch out, dinner in. Soup for dinner, yoga together afterwards. Seinfeld rerun on television. Reading the new cookbook, putting away some of the Christmas decorations.
It was the most wonderful day if you think about it. Celebrating each moment, celebrating life. It had been exactly one year since the last cancer treatment. All my MRI's, mammograms, etc have come up clear as a whistle. Fantastic! We beat it, all those little cancer cells that thought they were sitting pretty were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Zap, Bam, POW they are outta time, outta here!
I am thankful. And humble. So why not zippy-doo-dah?
First, I am tired. Recovering from the treatment takes awhile. Dad had a tough 5 1/2 months last year, which kind of delayed my recovery. Then I through myself into it, exercised too much, ate too little. Got cellulitis, then the flu, bronchitis, pink eye, shingles. I have learned, listen to my body. So I was tired December 28th, from a wonderful whirlwind of Christmas.
Second, I am so lucky. There are other women, and men, who aren't. Who aren't sitting pretty a year later. There's a part of me that is, everyday, holding a tear in my heart for them.
I rejoice. But it's different than before.
Okay, what is "rejoice" to you? To me it was being so happy you can't stop smiling. Jumping up and down happy. Opening up your arms and spinning around happy. Your mind one hundred percent full of happy. Not a shadow of hesitation.
Well I heard a targeted sermon last Sunday on Joy and Rejoice. Based on Philippians 1 (you guessed that didn't you, the JOY epistle.) His definition of "rejoice" is "when the heart gets the one thing it really really wants."
So what, dear reader, is the one thing you really really want? What is your heart's desire above all else? If you could have one wish from the genie bottle, what would it be? I challenge you to not read on until you have at least made a stab at answering that question.
For me, it is to know that God loves me so much that He will always be with me, I will never be alone, without Him and his Goodness. Forever, unending, infinity. To be certain of that. Faith is being certain of what you cannot see but which you hope for.
And what is the one thing you can say has happened to me over the past two years? I wanted to be changed. I was. I know the complete one hundred percent joy there is in being still, doing nothing. And Gaining everything. His love and power and mercy and grace. I will never be too far away so He can't reach me. I will never fall too far backwards He can't pick me up. He is in control. What have I to fear?
I hold a tear for those who suffer. Is that compassion? May I be used by God to pour His love and grace into that tear, as He is the ultimate healer.
So your joy, and my joy, will depend on what our heart's desire is. Not the size of house, the sparkle of the diamond, the rank on the team, the cleverness of the jokes. Not in the fitness of the body or the number of friends. It depends on what our true desire is, and how much that desire is filled.
If you talk to God, tell Him you are considering putting Him near the top of the list, He will work with you.
Of that I am certain.
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